Instruction Manuals

Instruction Manuals are worth zero cents, in case anyone was wondering about my opinion on the subject. Apparently, if you don't read the instructional manual, you might die, but I'll get to that in a minute.

So, because I'm moving, I've found various small objects that I have to decide whether or not I want to keep. I like to think I'm choosing to keep, sell, donate, or throw away, but if I'm honest, it's really just keep or throw away. All of the things I could sell or donate are split between keep and throw away. For instance, this small appliance that doesn't really work very well could be sold or donated if I was feeling particularly generous or capitalist, but instead it is going in the trash because selling it would be dishonest and donating it would be insulting. I'm just going to keep justifying that to myself.

The point is: there are some random things in my house, and many of those things are instruction manuals. I always feel the need to flip through them, as though I say to myself, "I can figure out the usefulness of this small booklet by reading a few random snippets." The truth of this pretended self-statement is that the only way a quick-glance usefulness evaluation can be effective is when the instruction manual is terrible. It only takes a couple typos and a too-vague description to let one know that the already-recycled paper is worth more than the symbolic content of the barely-adhered ink patterns.

On the other hand, you might find something truly frightening in an equally useless instruction manual for your Smartphone. I knew my phone must be some piece of black-ops tech when the title was just a series of mystical acronyms. My HTC Evo 4G LTE doesn't need sensible branding like the Samsung Replenish (an eco-friendly phone). Instead, futuristic-sounding code replaces any sense of user-friendliness. It becomes clear that Smartphones are a little too Smart when they warn you about "Electronic Devices in Vehicles." Apparently, my phone might affect "improperly installed or inadequately shielded electronic systems in motor vehicles." I would like to know exactly what kind of shielding is necessary for my phone to not break my car in completely undefined ways.

Such prospects become even more frightening under the title: "Turn Off Your Device in Dangerous Areas."  Let's be clear, these instructions are not to protect the phone, at least not directly. The real concerns are listed under two subtitles with descriptions of areas that your phone my affect: "Blasting Areas" and "Potentially Explosive Atmospheres."

Listen, Instruction Manual. Are you the only thing standing between me using my phone safely and various things exploding because I didn't turn my phone off? I have news for you. I did not read you in your entirety. I imagine that few people do, especially if I extrapolate from my own actions, and my own actions include a complete disregard for the notion that I should read you even after you just told me that I might make things explode if I don't turn my phone off. When Brian Regan saw a sign that read "Blasting Zone Ahead," he astutely observed that it should say, "Road Closed." Similarly, I think there should be some sort of reliable assurance that my phone is not going to cause a demolition site to prematurely implode. All the best.